Monday, October 31, 2016

Halloween Is So Rayciss

Admittedly, Halloween is already pretty racist, but here's a little way I try to make it more so. I send racist messages by the candy I distribute to the chilluns! My candy tray is efficiently and rigidly organized in Nazi-esque fashion, so that each child gets a coded racist insult with my offerings. Here is what's on the menu this Halloween:

For niglets: Banana flavored Laffy Taffy
For mulattos: Dollar Store Caramels
For kikelings: Jujubies
For chingy chonglings: Rice Krispy Treat Minis
For chalklings: Milk Duds
For dotheads: Dots
For muzlets: Atomic Fireballs
For homos: Pixy Stix
For dwarfs: Runts
For beaners: Mexican Stoplight candy
For Retards: A whole potato


Hope you enjoyed. I won't be updating again until next week.

4 comments:

  1. hilarious. every daily post is the shit

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  2. Have you really tried this? Seems like it would be fun.

    In here, we've never gathered candies on Halloween but on Easter. We dressed up as witches; we picked out any dress in our closet, tied a scarf around our heads, and for each candy we received we gave a catkin branches we had decorated ourselves. I don't know if kids do it anymore. We stopped when we moved into a less reputable neighborhood.

    However, on Halloween kids and sadly adults dress up as whatever they want which usually involves ridiculous consuming and "slutting it up". It's a little funny because if you slut up on Halloween chances are you slut up on any day of the week.

    - Different Anon

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    Replies
    1. No. In keeping with my general policy of misanthropy and joylessness, I don't give out candy on Halloween. I never have. In fact, the last time I went trick-or-treating, I was probably 6 years old. I wear my costume everyday by dressing up as an anti-racist with progressive political sensibilities.

      I've never heard of the tradition of dressing up as witches on Easter. It actually does sound more appropriate for a fertility holiday than a day of the dead holiday.

      You are very right about the consumption aspect of the holiday. Have you heard about candy buy back / turn-in programs? Imagine it. You buy candy. You hand it out to your neighbor's children, and send your children to collect it from your neighbors. Then you all take the candy to a disposal center to receive back coupons for local businesses or pennies on the dollar. YAY consumerism!

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