Monday, October 31, 2016

Halloween Is So Rayciss

Admittedly, Halloween is already pretty racist, but here's a little way I try to make it more so. I send racist messages by the candy I distribute to the chilluns! My candy tray is efficiently and rigidly organized in Nazi-esque fashion, so that each child gets a coded racist insult with my offerings. Here is what's on the menu this Halloween:

For niglets: Banana flavored Laffy Taffy
For mulattos: Dollar Store Caramels
For kikelings: Jujubies
For chingy chonglings: Rice Krispy Treat Minis
For chalklings: Milk Duds
For dotheads: Dots
For muzlets: Atomic Fireballs
For homos: Pixy Stix
For dwarfs: Runts
For beaners: Mexican Stoplight candy
For Retards: A whole potato

Hope you enjoyed. I won't be updating again until next week.


  1. hilarious. every daily post is the shit

  2. Have you really tried this? Seems like it would be fun.

    In here, we've never gathered candies on Halloween but on Easter. We dressed up as witches; we picked out any dress in our closet, tied a scarf around our heads, and for each candy we received we gave a catkin branches we had decorated ourselves. I don't know if kids do it anymore. We stopped when we moved into a less reputable neighborhood.

    However, on Halloween kids and sadly adults dress up as whatever they want which usually involves ridiculous consuming and "slutting it up". It's a little funny because if you slut up on Halloween chances are you slut up on any day of the week.

    - Different Anon

    1. No. In keeping with my general policy of misanthropy and joylessness, I don't give out candy on Halloween. I never have. In fact, the last time I went trick-or-treating, I was probably 6 years old. I wear my costume everyday by dressing up as an anti-racist with progressive political sensibilities.

      I've never heard of the tradition of dressing up as witches on Easter. It actually does sound more appropriate for a fertility holiday than a day of the dead holiday.

      You are very right about the consumption aspect of the holiday. Have you heard about candy buy back / turn-in programs? Imagine it. You buy candy. You hand it out to your neighbor's children, and send your children to collect it from your neighbors. Then you all take the candy to a disposal center to receive back coupons for local businesses or pennies on the dollar. YAY consumerism!