Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Legend of Zelda Sparks Gender Wars

Proof Donald Trump Is an Alien Warlord
Highly Recommended! This probably isn't what you think it is, and it is in fact ten times funnier than the headline lets on.

To Be Outed in the Worst Possible Way
In this case, the headline is a lot funnier than the article, which is a rather morbid take on what the families of closet-cases might experience if their lurved ones died in the Orlando shooting.

Orlando Chick fil A workers reverse Sunday hours policy to feed volunteers
fil A's for gays. In the comments section you will discover that the queers aren't too grateful, since the religious nuts are using this as yet another opportunity to claim moral supremacy over the bug chasers.

Can coffee cause cancer? Only if it's very hot, says WHO agency
And next year they will tell you iced coffee causes liver failure, and the smell of coffee reverses dementia, and people who drink freshly ground coffee live 10 years longer, but are 3 times as likely die from extreme rectal prolapse. Hooray for Pop Science and the Mass Media!

Nintendo offers really stupid reasons why you can't play as a woman in The Legend of Zelda
I had a momentary bout of madness reading this article, cackling hysterically while descending into that dangerous frame of mind where I believe none of this can be real. It all came down to this part:

[The game producer] said "The Triforce is made up of Princess Zelda, Ganon, and Link. Princess Zelda is obviously female. If we made Link a female we thought that would mess with the balance of the Triforce. That’s why we decided not to do it."

This makes no sense and isn't even canonically correct. The Triforce isn't composed of Zelda, Ganon, and Link; it's a representation of three traits — wisdom, power, and courage — As for the claim that the Triforce has to be held by two men and one woman, that's just bewildering and completely ignores that gender isn't binary [...]

Even reading it now, I am on the verge of an out of body experience. This can't be real, can it? The world cannot have reached such a level of absurdity that radical redefinitions of gender are being used to argue against the Japanese predisposition to having absolutely no sense of continuity, which is apparently causing The Legend of Zelda to become non-canonical. Where am I? Time and space have lost all meaning!!! I think I may have stumbled upon the switch that shuts off the Matrix.

These giant tits are canonical!


  1. The original cuck jeb hasn't made a statement about the dead beaner fags,I expect him to say something like "we should all go out tonight and get fucked up the ass by a Mexican as a sign of solidarity"

    Obongo must be pissed, if the shooter was white it would almost guarantee a change in gun ownership,remember when that fag pretend to cry? Pathetic homo

    1. I say bring on the gun confiscation. I want to see if these "over cold dead body" types are actually serious. I think they would back down and fold as quickly as the Confederate flag was taken down and folded after Charleston.

  2. Who needs prozac when we have Compulsory Diversity News?

    1. Ha! Side effects include smugness, misanthropy, and comfort with one's own racism.