Sunday, February 02, 2014

Fat Actor Philip Seymour Hoffman Murdered by his Fat

Earlier today, news broke that obese actor Philip Seymour Hoffman is dead. The rotund thespian is best know for his work in such films as Capote, Boogie Nights, and Punch Drunk Love. His hefty body of work garnered the portly star an Academy Award, and several Academy Award nominations. Circulating just before the press conference were these media questions, to be asked of the Hoffman family's spokesperson:

1) Hoffman has been battling his weight for years, correct?
2) Didn't Hoffman know how unhealthy it was to be so fat?
3) How did Hoffman feel, being a fat celebrity, wasn't he ashamed of himself?
4) Do you think the guilt of being so overweight in Hollywood fueled Hoffman's war with food?
5) Was Hoffman trying to end up like his idol, James Gandolfini?
6) Is it true that Hoffman murdered his dietitian and tried to eat her?
7) Is it true that Hoffman was once caught having intercourse with an enormous wedge of Swiss cheese that he was simultaneously trying to consume?
8) It is rumored that Hoffman had a wife and children - how is that possible since he was so fat? Are they fat too? And how soon before you think they will be murdered by their fat?
9) Is there a cemetery large enough to dispose of the carcass of Philip Seymour Hoffman?
10) Has the family considered sinking the corpse of Hoffman off the coast to create a new marine reef habitat?

Shortly before the press conference, news leaked that Hoffman had been discovered with a needle in his arm, and that he had died of a heroin overdose. That forced we in the News Media to reassess our initial biased assumptions about the cause of his death, and rewrite our questions accordingly:

1) Didn't Hoffman know it was dangerous to shoot smack given how fat he was?
2) Was Hoffman's addiction to smack any match for his addiction to food?
3) Was Hoffman trying to use smack as a substitute for cheesecake?
4) How did Hoffman have enough money for smack, given he must have spent millions per year on food?
5) Are we sure the substance in the needle was heroin and not Crisco?
6) Was Hoffman trying to end up like his idol, John Belushi?
7) Is it true that Hoffman murdered his dealer and tried to eat him?
8) Is it true that Hoffman only turned to heroin after mistaking a needle full of smack for a needle full of insulin he no doubt needed because all fat people have diabetes?
9) Since Hoffman was so fat, how did you manage to find his penis in order to get a urine sample to prove he was on drugs?
10) Are we sure Hoffman died of an overdose, and that the scene of his death wasn't staged by Sara Lee?

EDIT: Reluctantly, I will provide an explanation of the preceding satire -
In today's hyper-sensitive politically correct world, the mainstream media and their sheep go to great lengths not to make racist, sexist, and homophobic assumptions and comments about people. However, fatness is still a perfectly acceptable reason for crass, cruel, and inappropriate assumptions and comments. Think back to the death of James Gandolfini and the media obsession with his weight. Think of Chris Christie before and after Bridgegate. I am not suggesting censorship of free speech, I am merely pointing out that political correctness protects almost every group, as long as the members aren't fat.

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