Sunday, November 10, 2013

Anal Probes for Justice

If you read yesterday's post, you might have to come to the conclusion that our society has an unhealthy fixation on what comes out of an anal cavity. But don't be so narrow minded! For our society also has an unhealthy fixation on what goes into an anal cavity. Witness the story of David Eckert, a New Mexico man who was repeatedly anally explored at the behest of police officers who had stopped him for a minor traffic violation.

And why did this happen? Because the officers thought Eckert was clenching his buttocks unusually when he stepped out of his vehicle during the traffic stop. Therefore, the officers obtained a search warrant, and shopped around for doctors willing to perform the search (the first hospital said no, so the officers went out of county to find a doctor who would do their dirty work). But when an x-ray revealed no drugs, the doctors performed two anal exams with their fingers, and then gave Eckert three enemas and forced him to defecate in front of them. When still no drugs were produced, the doctors gave Eckert another x-ray which revealed nothing, then they sedated him and performed a colonoscopy, which in the end revealed - nothing.

I am only surprised they didn't hang him from a meat hook and split him from taint to throat during their explorations. Now for my racist spin -

1) If Eckert is a Negro, it is understandable that the officers would find it unusual that he would clench his buttocks. As science tells us, Negroes have only recently obtained the ability to stand up on their hind legs and simulate a human stride. Further, the unbearable gorilla stench emitted by Negroes is produced by the continuous venting of their anal sacks. I don't think Eckert is a Negro, otherwise, this would be handled as a hate crime, not simply a civil rights violation.

2) If Eckert is a homosexual of any race, the clenching would also be abnormal. Though in that case, the rectal probing would have been called "Friday Night" and not a civil rights violation or hate crime.

3) If Eckert is a straight White man, then the officers should have expected him to be perpetually clenched. Haven't they ever listened to a black comedian's monologue?

Whatever the case, these officers are merely performing their doodie - ahem, duty - as the brave blue line that keeps the narcotics-based prison industrial complex functioning.

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