Friday, April 19, 2013

Would Anne Frank have wanted to fuck Justin Bieber?

Justin Bieber caused a bit of a stink recently after a trip to the shrine of the blessed Anne Frank (A.K.A the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam). Seems when he signed the quest book, he penned the following: "Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber."

For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of a belieber, let's take a quick peek at what Wikipedia has to say: A Belieber is a fanatical devotee of the Canadian pop singer Justin Bieber. [...] Most of Bieber's fanbase is composed of young girls in their pre-teens or teens, although there are still many young men out there who support him. His fans have been described as patient and doting by the Toronto Star. Bieber fandom offers its female fans "a way not only to subliminate romantic and sexual yearnings but to carve out subversive versions of heterosexuality." Inside the fandom, Bieber is almost always viewed as heterosexual. Some of his fans have expressed an interest in having sex with him, and there are documented cases of fans asking the media to pass along messages to Bieber suggesting this.

So basically Justin Bieber said that he was hopeful Anne Frank would have wanted to fuck him. I see no problem with that. Had he been alive in the Nazi Occupied Netherlands in the 1940's, I am sure he and Anne would have ended up in the same concentration camp. There they could have made passionate, anorexic love to one another after picking each other's nits and swapping vomit-flavored saliva (it is difficult to find just the right article in which to insert typhus jokes).

And, assuming the elfish Justin has a penis and is not simply a lesbian passing as a boy pop star, he should be just about the right size for Anne, whose unabridged diary revealed such revolting juvenile concerns as the following: There are little folds of skin all over the place, you can hardly find it. The little hole underneath is so terribly small that I simply can’t imagine how a man can get in there, let alone how a whole baby can get out!

Oh wait, that quote is from the Diary of Justin Bieber.

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