Thursday, August 28, 2008

For the Love of Sappho

If you just want a gratuitous picture of LESBIANS IN ACTION, scroll down and follow the link below my meandering little essay. Go ahead and skip, I don’t mind.

“Lesbos” isn’t just a Greek island, it’s also a way to describe the cultural phenomenon of women fucking women. How do women fuck one another? Awkwardly, I suppose. And for those who would say otherwise, I will remind them that “Denial” is not just a river in Egypt, it’s also a nightclub for ugly, butch women who’ve convinced themselves men are the problem and have decided to give scissoring a try.

Personally, I am immune to the supposed eroticism of voyeuristic lesbianism, much in the same way I am immune to gambling, drinking, viewing network television, enjoying the outdoors, and watching sports. I simply derive no enjoyment from any of these things, and I know that each compounds my otherness and minority status. The males I have socialized with all seem to love lesbianism. If I say to these men, “Betty from work is going on a lesbian cruise with her lover Sally.”, the men uniformly seem to respond “OOO! Are they hot?” And yet, if I was to say, “Bill from work is going on a gay cruise with his lover Saul.”, I have never met a women yet who responds, “OOO! Are they hot?” And I know some pretty fucked up, nasty bitches, to use the Negro expression.

In the spirit of giving the people what they want, I present this link to an article about the first lesbian couple legally married in San Francisco. WARNING! It includes a picture of -

Close-Up, Intense, Lesbian Fingering

Reality is such a bitch, right boys?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A New Hope: DATGOY

A foolish, thieving duo were introduced to some ironic justice today. 26-year-old Tyree Monique Tate and her sister sprayed a security guard in the face with mace and fled with stolen merchandise from a TJ Maxx store at the Lansing Mall in Michigan. The sister was promptly apprehended, but Tyree managed to elude her pursuers by hiding in a trash compactor. Shortly thereafter, the fire department received a call from the Goodwill store, reporting that a woman was being crushed inside the active trash compactor and was screaming for help. Here is a portion of the 911 recording:

911: You say there’s a woman trapped in the trash compactor?
Goodwill: Yes!
911: And she’s screaming?
Goodwill: Yes, she is!
911: What exactly is she screaming?
Goodwill: She’s screaming: “C-3PO, shut down all the garbage smashers on the detention level! Do you copy? Shut down all the garbage smashers on the detention level!”

Steal 500$ worth of children’s clothes from a TJ Maxx, get crushed to death in a Goodwill trash compactor – I adore my Dark And Terrible God Of ironY!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Is Sorting Glass an Olympic Event?

I have been rather rudely informed that a young man by the name of Michael Phelps is not participating in the Special Olympics, but in the Olympics Olympics. So the Olympics are happening again? Didn’t they just do one of these like four years ago? What’s up with that? I acknowledge I do not follow “The Sports”. I have never been interested in football bases, bench lifting, tennis sticks, golfing rinks, shot vaulting, and so forth.

This is the Michael Phelps in question:

When I saw this picture I remarked, “Retards sure do love shiny things. I didn’t know the Special Olympics gave out medals.” Little did I know that the fellow in the picture was some sort of swimmity-jibbit muckety-muck. He looks like he’s about to take a bite out of that medal for Christ’s sake. Come on! Are you sure this guy isn’t a retard?

Oops, he missed his mouth. You know, he's going to fly into an uncontrollable rage when he finally notices that wreath you put on his head. The retarded can summon the strength of a gorilla when they are startled.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Oh, the Things We Do Let Slip!

In this article from California, we learn a startling, hitherto unheard of fact: Asian and White students get higher test scores than Black and Hispanic students. Who would have thunk it? I’ll give you a minute to recover from the shock.

Better? What I love about this article is that it leapt right for the racial jugular. So many of the pieces I read subsequently about the same story failed to even mention a racial dimension.

Here was the article’s clincher that left me sniggering: Among African-Americans statewide, only one-third are at least proficient in English, just 1 percentage point higher than Latino students - many of whom are still learning English.

HA! Dear Lord, that is hi-frickin-larious. Cheap shots are still the best kind of shots, even if accidental. It’s like saying: Ugly people get no respect in this country, you know that firsthand, don’t you Sue? (Oops!) Not to say that you’re ugly, Sue. Just that you are not a beauty by society’s standards. I mean, people don’t think you’re ugly, they just want someone who looks better. To them, of course! Better by their shallow definition of beauty – good skin, nice hair, well dressed, straight teeth, pleasant fragrance. Not that you stink! People just prefer flowers and perfumy type smells on women. Not that you don’t smell like a woman, Sue. I’m not saying you smell like a man – you have your own, unique odor! Sue, suicide is not the answer. That’s all that I am trying to say at this point.

Back on task – They are nearing 400 years in this country and Negro English scores are only 1% higher than wetbacks who’ve been here 4 years?! Sweet Christ, what does it take to prove that NIGGAS IS DUM? I know, I know -oppression, slavery, exploitation, grape soda, gold teef, pimp dat ho, blah, blah, blah.

I’ll show you how stupid dey be – Dey…(hurumph)… THEY cannot see that integration has been an unmitigated disaster for their race. Through the smoke screen of Black History Month, Martin Luther King Day, and Affirmative Action (all three so vital to American education at all levels) these silly Negroes have been disenfranchised yet again! They’ve been sold a complete fabrication, paid for with a fraudulent check by their system-appointed leaders.

Enough speechifying. In conclusion, I love the accidental candor of the excerpt above. I’m sure the reporter I quoted is a social Marxist cock-sucker who never intended that quote to be the delightful punchline it is.

All of this reminds me of a flaw that appeared in my normally perfect concealment of my racist views. In mixed company (mixed in that a single Darkie was present) I made the mistake of using the phrase “black market”. I know it has no racial connotation, but I want my performance to be flawless. I don’t want even one eyebrow to be raised in my direction. At least I didn’t let on that I was disturbed by my own slip, but such imperfections trouble me. Actually, this has happened before. In similar mixed company, all female excluding myself, I used the phrase “token male”, referring to the derogatory manner in which these particular harpies were discussing the single male in their department. Once again, not a fatal mistake, but I demand more from myself.

Even words remotely connected with racism shall not publicly pass my lips. Why bother with such deception? Experience! I have tried being the honest racist. What a thankless chore. Did one acquaintance ever so much as nod approvingly when I spoke? Heaven forfend! As racial-neutral, I have heard a thousand racist declarations, from all shades, faiths, and creeds. Some people fall to pieces after letting something racial slip out. What a lovely power trip being able to pardon such offences and maintain the moral high ground. Of course, being an avowed anti-racist would shut the spigot of truth off completely. Where’s the fun in that?

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Bad Weekend to Be a Negro Celebrity

The deaths of Bernie Mac on the 9th and Isaac Hayes on the 10th will undoubtedly force middle-aged Negro-celebrities everywhere to look up from their watermelons and ponder, “Who be next?”. After all, Death likes to claim celebrities in groups of three.

Whom will the Grim Reaper target next? The answer to that question is beyond the scope of mere mortals – but we can have fun guessing!

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Really Blind Faith

More than 50 people in India recently went blind after staring at the sun in hopes of receiving a vision from the Virgin Mary. The next story we read should be: “In hopes of receiving a vision from Zeus, 50 or more people in India were drowned after prolonged staring up at the sky with their mouths open during a thunderstorm."

CDN EXCLUSIVE: A blinding victim in India recounts her mystical experience with the Virgin Mary, as read by CDN’s Indian Affairs Correspondent.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Leave the Decapitation to Us

Let’s review: While traveling aboard a Greyhound bus in Manitoba, Canada, a young man was repeatedly stabbed in the throat and then beheaded by his seatmate. After passengers fled the bus, the murderer displayed the head like a trophy to those passengers still attempting to keep him sealed in the bus.

I know what you’re thinking – typical experience of traveling by bus.

But in all seriousness, I know what you’re thinking – “The knife-wielding passenger on the bus goes stab, stab, stab! Stab, stab, stab! Stab, Stab, Stab! The knife-wielding passenger on the bus goes stab, stab, stab! All through the town…”

Stop it! I’m being serious here. Now – A bus leaves Edmonton at 0945 traveling on the Trans-Canada Highway and stops 85 kilometers west of Winnipeg. Assuming an average crusing speed of 100 kilometers per hour, how long does it take for the Canadian police to release the suspect’s name in the horrifying decapitation that forced the bus to stop? Show your work.

I have the teacher’s edition, so I know the answer is: 3.5 minutes if the suspect is White and the victim non-White; 24 hours if the suspect is non-White and the victim White.

Meet the perpetrator (Vince Weiguang Li) and the victim (Tim Mclean):

Tim’s photo is courtesy of his (suppressed giggling) Facebook (escaping guffaw) page. Thank you, DAT-GOY.

Dear, Whitey - Why, oh why did you befriend that Asian guy? You see, gentle reader, the murdered shared a smoke with the murderer during a stop along the trip. Later, the murderer changed his seat to sit next to the murdered. But, I know – race doesn’t exist, profiling is wrong, I’m a bigot, blah, blah, blah.

And don’t dare point out that knives don’t kill people, dangerous minorities kill people. Soon, the anti-gun lobby will be lining up in front of every microphone they can get hold of to thank their Jew-boy-in-the-clouds that the perp didn’t have a gun. Just think of how many would have died then! Well, think how many could have died if the attacker had decided not to behead one victim, but to keep stabbing away at people struggling to debus. Holy shit, that’s an actual word – debus.

Prediction: Within the next 72 hours we will be told that the MURDERER was a VICTIM of racial discrimination at some point in his life, which may have fueled his psychosis. Thus, the murderer will be absolved and then neatly tucked away in a mental facility. White Pride zealots will try to claim Tim Mclean as their own, only to find out he was 1/8th Cree and would have abhorred White people standing up for him. The media will bury the story, the next-of-kin will bury their boy, and white people, en masse, will bury their heads back into the sand.