Monday, December 18, 2006

Candy Cane Maker Faces Lawsuit

Levon “Ev-on” Bron, a 41-year-old African American from Annapolis, Maryland, says he has faced discrimination from the white man before, but his current predicament has left him “dev’mastated”.

Mr. Bron works for the Maryland Department of Health and Mental Hygiene “Reach Out and Touch Faith” Program as a daytime caregiver for mentally and physically challenged youths, aged 4-7. In a deposition submitted last Friday, Levon Bron claims he was subjected to cruel and demeaning treatment by a racist customer service representative of Bay Candies Limited, of Baltimore.

Joel Silverwiener, Levon Bron’s attorney, told the press Monday that Mr. Bron had purchased a box of candy canes to distribute to the mentally challenged children in Bron’s ward. When the first child to receive a candy cane complained that the candy he received was flavorless, Bron sampled the wares and discovered that every candy cane in the box was also without flavor. Levon called the number for Bay Candies Limited listed on their product, and described his situation. Here is a partial transcript of that call, provided by the manufacturer:

Customer Service Representative: And you say that the candy is flavorless?
Levon Bron: Yea, it is. And I got one little retarded boy here who can’t…he can’t taste nothing at all. He just keep sucking that thing, been like sucking on it for an hour and can’t get nothing.
CSR: He’s been sucking it for an hour?
Levon: Yes.
CSR: And he can’t taste it?
Levon: Yes.
CSR: Hasn’t it dissolved?
Levon: What?
CSR: Hasn’t the candy cane melted away?
Levon: Let me check.
[Phone is left idle for several minutes.]
Levon: Hello?
CSR: Hello, sir? Has the candy melted?
Levon: No, it ain’t. Oh…hold on.
[Phone becomes idle again for several more minutes]
Levon: He done took the wrapper off it and can taste it now.
CSR: Oh! You left the wrapper on it?
Levon: Yea, that’s why he can’t taste it.
CSR: Oh, yeah, you have to take the wrapper off before you eat it.
Levon: I couldn’t taste it either.
CSR: Because the wrapper was on it…
Levon: Yea.
CSR: Well, …, I hope I have answered any questions you had…
Levon: Hold on!
CSR: Yes, sir?
Levon: This one don’t have any flavor, though.
CSR: I’m sorry? …Sir?
Levon: I got another one out the box and it don’t have no flavor either.
CSR: Sir, is the wrapper still on it?
Levon: You wrap each one?
CSR: Yes sir, all the candy canes are wrapped.
Levon: You mean I got to unwrap every one of these candy canes?
CSR: Yes sir, they are wrapped to prevent people tampering with the product…So you have to unwrap each candy cane before you consume it… before you eat it.
Levon: I got to unwrap all these m****r f****n’ candy canes?
CSR: Sir, please don’t use that language.
Levon: Shit no, I ain’t unwrapping all these candy canes.
CSR: Sir, please don’t…
Levon: Why didn’t you put that shit on the damn box? Got…to…unwrap. Put it right on the box.
CSR: Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to end this call.
[…dial tone]

Levon Bron’s attorney is on record as saying that it was very foolish of Bay Candy Limited to release the call transcript, “It only supports our case…”, said Silverwiener, “…it is clear that her [the customer service representative] condescending attitude is the result of an entrenched bias against African Americans.

Silverwiener dismisses claims that condescension does not equate to racism, and that condescension does not relate well in print. “Believe what you want...” he said, “…basically she said that a retarded white 5-year-old, bound to a wheelchair, unable to hold a cup, was smarter than a black person with a master’s degree from Howard University. She fails to acknowledge the inherent racism in the candy industry that thinks everyone should be in on the white man’s packaging protocols.”

- Sweet Dreams for a White [Power] Christmas this Year,
from Compulsory Diversity News

You want what!?! A Barbie doll? What the fuck you asking me fo? I'm black santa, I ain't got shit. Now get the fuck off my lap, stupid.

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