Compulsory Diversity News

***Juno in Juneau?***

What do Traditional Family Values ™ mean in the United States today? Ask the “conservative” party candidate on the G.O.P. ticket, Sarah Palin:

1) Race Mixing: Palin’s husband is part Eskimo.
2) Out of Wedlock Sex: Palin’s slut teenage daughter is pregnant at 17.
3) Every Sperm is Sacred: Palin gave birth to Down Syndrome baby.

“Conservative response to #1: She’s not a bigot! The G.O.P. is not a racist party!

This is why our nation is being flooded by brown invaders who wish to reconquer the southwest and turn it into Mexico North. Maybe if the G.O.P. was a racist party, White people would not be dwindling into minority status in the U.S.A.

Conservative response to #2: It proves she is human! Parents cannot be responsible for everything their children do!

Aren’t conservatives supposed to be for law and order, for self-restraint and personal accountability? How can conservatives successfully argue for abstinence education if the Vice President’s daughter gets knocked up before getting out of High School? Since when does fucking outside of wedlock and being too stupid to practice safe sex prove one's status as a human being? Since when are parents not responsible for what their underage children do? If Bristol Palin had joined National Alliance, don’t you think Sarah Palin would have been held accountable for her daughter’s actions and been castigated by opponents and supporters alike?

Conservative response to #3: At least she chose life! Where there is life, there is hope!

Though apparently no hope of paying attention to medical advice such as this: “The risk of having a child with Down syndrome is 1/1,300 for a 25-year-old woman; at age 35, the risk increases to 1/365. At age 45, the risk of a having a child with Down syndrome increases to 1/30. (By convention, maternal age refers to age at the estimated or actual delivery date.)” Palin is 44 and has an infant son. Let’s list some of the hopeful aspects of living with Down’s Syndrome, by complication and likelihood of complication: mental and growth retardation 95%, congenital heart defects 40%, hearing loss 40-75%, ophthalmic disorders 60%, infertility >99% in males. In other words, hope is the chosen refuge of those who fail to plan ahead. How about getting your tubes tied, or hanging out a Dead End sign on that creaking, rusted crevice between your legs?

If this is conservatism and these are family values, what is liberalism?

***A New Hope: DATGOY***

A foolish, thieving duo were introduced to some ironic justice today. 26-year-old Tyree Monique Tate and her sister sprayed a security guard in the face with mace and fled with stolen merchandise from a TJ Maxx store at the Lansing Mall in Michigan. The sister was promptly apprehended, but Tyree managed to elude her pursuers by hiding in a trash compactor. Shortly thereafter, the fire department received a call from the Goodwill store, reporting that a woman was being crushed inside the active trash compactor and was screaming for help. Here is a portion of the 911 recording:

911: You say there’s a woman trapped in the trash compactor?
Goodwill: Yes!
911: And she’s screaming?
Goodwill: Yes, she is!
911: What exactly is she screaming?
Goodwill: She’s screaming: “C-3PO, shut down all the garbage smashers on the detention level! Do you copy? Shut down all the garbage smashers on the detention level!”

Steal 500$ worth of children’s clothes from a TJ Maxx, get crushed to death in a Goodwill trash compactor – I adore my Dark And Terrible God Of ironY!